Just ordered this. Hehehe.
Need to make it through these next two weeks of finals and then I can spend the rest of the year causing trouble with these two.
Stephanie Santiago as Bonita Applebum
Typewriter Series #611 by Tyler Knott Gregson
A few weeks ago I was laying in bed drunk with my best friend and I began to cry. Nothing out of the ordinary, I just started to talk about my life at that moment and cry. Lately, I can’t seem to express any sort of thought without it leading to another that results in a breakdown. I remember telling my best friend that for the past year I’ve felt uncertain about anything and everything and she simply said, “you’ll figure it out. you’re strong. you’re just so good at life.”
A couple weeks later, I confessed that when she went home for the weekend, I sat atop the cliffs one night in Isla Vista and contemplated killing myself. She said, “you’re not allowed to do that. please just don’t do that.” and she cried with me for a bit. An hour later, we were giggling and stoned.
Tonight, after seeing a movie with my mom, she asked me about my “recent” change in attitude and said, “You can’t just be upset over your cat, still.” I took this opportunity to tell her I’ve been struggling with depression and have been seeing a therapist at school. Her response was, “what are you so sad about?” and when I shrugged my shoulders and said “I’m not sure anymore.” she continued driving, parked at our house, asked if I was going out tonight, and walked inside.
I’m begging for help in the only manner I know how. My whole life I’ve been the “strong” one and I’ve “dealt with it” but now that I need a little assistance, I can’t find it.
If I’m so “good” at life, this must just be a game. And if this is just a game, then it’s really not that important. And if it’s not that important then I don’t feel compelled to be here.
My mom posted this on facebook as part of some game her friends are doing:
1. I enjoy reading. I am always reading a new book or re-reading an old one.
2. I love to gamble. Everything from slot machines to Bingo to poker. (This is my dad’s fault lol)
3. I enjoy cooking and baking but I hate cleaning up after so I don’t do either that often.
4. When I started college I was going to be a Dietician but couldn’t pass the Organic Chemistry classes then I had Deanna my Junior year and changed my major to Child Development because I wanted to be a good mom.
5. I have 2 tattoos. One on my shoulder and 1 on my lower back (yes a tramp stamp). Both have roses which are one of my favorite flowers.
6. I have been teaching for 17 years and even though it can be very frustrating and exhausting I don’t think I will ever put my Masters/administrative credential to use.
7. I worked at the Magic Pan Restaurant at South Coast Plaza from age 17 until 24. I started as a hostess then worked as a waitress and cocktail waitress. It’s been 17 years since I have waited on tables and I still have nightmares about it every now and then.
Here are seven little-known facts about my mom. The cool thing? I could have told you almost all seven, including all of her little comments. But number four… number four surprised me.
If you know anything at all about me, you know that my mother and I don’t have the best relationship, it is constantly tainted by pointless arguments and petty disagreements. I can’t explain the emotion I am currently experiencing as I think of a younger version of my mother fretting over how to be a good mom to baby me. She did her part, maybe it’s time I did mine and learned how to be a better daughter.
oh my fucking god
There’s just something about you. I don’t think this infatuation will diminish until you give me just the smallest sliver of a chance. I hardly know you but I feel as if I know all about you. I’ve been allowed into your personal thoughts. I know your preferences and I think I know what you’re looking for. You’re perfect to me. From your taste in music, to the adventures you have, I am completely convinced we could be good for one another. I know you see me, I know you know I’m interested, I kind of feel like you’re slightly interested, just can’t bring yourself to invest in someone. If I’m wrong, sorry that my little bit of confidence has gotten the best of me but I can’t help but hope that you’ve remained in my life, though quietly, for the past three years for a reason.
I think what I’ll miss most about being a “stoner” is the culture that goes along with it. It’s fun. It’s not socially acceptable, but it is so much fucking fun. As stupid as it sounds, people recognize me as a stoner, and I’m kind of nervous as to what I might become should I successfully stop smoking as much as I currently do.